(John 6:5-6)

We struggle in the water not knowing when we’ll see the coastline. Out in the open sea, we try to catch our breaths, fighting for survival but the journey to the coast seems so far-off. We keep kicking, keep flapping our arms thinking we’ve moved miles. Then only to realise that we’ve been swimming on the spot. The waves sweep us back and forth, left and right.

Often times, we look around us for help. What we fail to remember is that The One above is watching down at us. He could see the coastline from the beach, the finishing line from the starting point. He alone is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.

In times when we’re thrown into the open seas and being swept by the waves of life, it is the time when God is asking us the question, “What are you going to do?” He’s asking only to test us for He already knows in mind what He was going to do. In other words, look to Him. He already has the answer even before the “question” was thrown at you.

I believe that I am under a circumstance for a reason and that my Heavenly Father would not put me through waves which I cannot overcome. It’s not a question without an answer but a test with a solution. . .

Like snow, she melted away.

Like dandelions, she was blown away.

Like the setting sun, she hid behind the mountains.

Like autumn, she fell like leaves.

“Like the little mermaid, she will disappear into bubbles. . .” Gil Ra-im (Secret Garden)

Inspired by Secret Garden (2011)

What a strange dream I had. Can’t remember it in detail but I do remember that it was heart-wrenching that I was on the verge of tears (yes, even my sleep). Correction: In my sleep I was in the verge of tears but the me in the dream was crying like how rain would fall from the sky. The scene of me turning away and walking, step-by-step further and further away from you. My face was all drenched with tears and for the first time, I couldn’t catch my breath while crying. It was so real that I felt myself suffocating in my sleep. I could feel the pain the “girl” in my dream was feeling. Like stabbing her own heart with a knife, she said to herself, “Maybe it’s time that I let you go. . .”

“Maybe it’s time that I let you go. . .”

Those words, pierced right through my heart. Like a lightning, it strike through my head, knocking some sense into me.

I see the girl crying as the escalator moved downwards. There were so many people around her but she couldn’t see them clearly because her eyes were covered with tears. She felt so vulnerable and cold, like a drenched puppy.

From behind, someone dressed in all white rushed towards the “drenched puppy”. Swiftly and silently, he took reached for her hand as soon as she was within his reach. She turned was surprised and turned to look at him. Without looking back at her, without a word, he clasped her hand tightly and firmly.

I couldn’t see a clear face at that moment but after that, I could see a handsome face in front of me, smiling. It was the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. It was so crowded and busy, where the girl was but I couldn’t see them properly because the man in front of me had a glow in him and it was the most handsome face I’ve ever seen. The smile brought those tears to a halt. She looked away and smiled to herself. Still, in the midst of silence, he grasped her hand and squeezed it tight.

No words said but that simple gesture of him squeezing her hand, she could feel him telling her, “Everything will be alright. . .because I’m here. . .”

“Everything will be alright. . .because I’m here. . .”

I’ve never felt such security than when I feel someone holding my hand in my sleep. That hand and grip felt so real. Like that girl in my dream, I could feel HIM telling me that everything will be alright. Just let go no matter how much it will hurt because HE is holding onto my hands.

Who was that mysterious handsome-looking man who had a glow in him, who had such a beautiful smile, a smile that could stop tears and mend hearts? A man who was dressed in all white? I wonder. . .

Of course, it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. Though it wasn’t how I pictured and hoped (not sure if this is the exact word to describe my feelings) for it to be, I stopped for a moment there when I saw that word.

For the first time, today. . .we chat for longer than we’ve ever done! In fact, this (I think), is the longest chat we ever had. Funny, interesting, raging at some points, lame and “branded.” These would be the words I’d used to describe our conversation.

It’s strange how things are happening in a cycle. Piece by piece, the crumbled puzzle is now falling back into place. I don’t know what all these mean but one thing I know, it’s all coming back to me now. Is this what I’ve been wishing for? Truthfully, I have no idea. I don’t know where this is taking me and I know nuts about what’s awaiting me at the end of it but somehow I sense that this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve walked this path before and I know how it was. If this is the same path that I’m heading down on, I hope it won’t be as difficult as it used to be. What’s more is that I hope I won’t end up at the same place again. . .

Having walked down that path, I felt that I’ve grown stronger. Feels as though my heart formed stronger muscles after leaping through hurdle by hurdle in this race. Tired? Of course I am. I thought I deserve a breather after completing this race (at least I thought it’s over) but it seems like someone unwound the clock and things are repeating. Is this my second chance? Or is God telling me that the time has come?

Nothing can explain the strange way things have been happening these 2weeks. My prayer would be, “Dear God, I cannot understand Your ways and cannot fathom the reasons for which You allow things to happen. If this is Your will, Father, I’ll walk in it with faith. Are You saying that I’m done waiting and the time is right? Or are You putting me through a test of faith? All of these, I know not but whatever it is that I’m heading into, dear Lord, I know You are with me. Whatever will be, will be. However, I hope that if I were to hurt, it won’t be as painful as it was before. . .Amen. . .”

P/S: The excitement didn’t last long. Maybe my prayer was answered. I don’t want to fall into the hole which I just crawled out of. . . =)

“Let’s get inside. Aren’t you cold?” he said and we nodded. “I thought so since the breeze is blowing our way,” he added. So, we went inside and took a seat at the table along the corridor. “I’m from Nigeria,” he tells us and that’s how we exchanged basic information about ourselves. Yea, I was definitely afraid at first. Full of doubts as to why he approached us. Not discrimination, of course but I’ve never had such an encounter with a black person before. <Note: Calling him black isn’t discrimination but a way to refer him>

He then went on and on about Nigeria which was interesting because we finally got to hear about that country from the perspective of its citizen. There were many shocking facts which, I most probably won’t be talking about here because I’m blogging and not writing a PESTLE analysis on Nigeria! ^^, The purpose of this post isn’t about me finding out about Nigeria but about me finding a way to move on.

Just yesterday, I thought I was meeting with dead ends. Okay, maybe not a dead end but I got lost in my quest to reach my destination. This Nigerian stranger who appeared out of no where for no apparent reason was as if a messenger of God! Yes, we doubted his intentions when he first sat us down and talked to us but as he went on, it hit me what this whole thing was all about. The whole event was surreal and to be honest, I still have doubts and am a tad uncomfortable but I somehow think he was God-sent.

He’s a Masters student doing the same course as I am and not only do we share the same course but the same problems as international students. So, here’s the deal. We rant about not knowing why we’re here and what we’re doing. He shared to us the same thing as what we’re facing and for a moment there, two lanes merged. It’s not the fact that he’s lost like us that made me feel comfortable but it was these 5words that struck my head like a lightning: “You’ve just gotta move on,” he told us. The words” MOVE ON” keep flashing and bleeping in my head as soon as it came out from his mouth. It was then that I thought that he was sent by God to deliver His message. “You’ve got to move on. . .” What he added later on was even more encouraging. “Whatever I’m going through, I thank God that I’m still alive,” he said. It’s so true, isn’t it? No matter how tough the situation I was in, I’m still alive and breathing, not to mention writing this post. . . ^^,

I thought I’m hitting dead end but now, I know that I’ve only detoured. I may not be lost. I’ve taken a different route, perhaps a tougher route but it still leads to my destination. There’s two ways to look at it. This route may seem tough and longer but a detour isn’t always bad, is it? While you’re lost, enjoy the scenery! When you’re lost in life, enjoy the lessons you can learn from it. Even if you think you’ve hit a dead end, SO WHAT?! Walk back to where you came from and find your way to your destination! When one door closes, another one opens. No matter how dark the night, morning will still come . . .AND WITH HIS JOY!!

His (GOD’S) promise to us is, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalms 30:5)

Just think about this. No matter how long the night, you always live to see the morning, right? Somehow His grace has protected you, provided you, secured you, calmed and comforted you and brought you through. Times and seasons change but not God. He’s always the God of comfort. Seeing my “dead end” as so big was to think that it’s all about me. What I didn’t remember was that my God is even BIGGER than my “dead end”! It was never about me. It’s always about Him. Why focus on the problem when I can look to my Saviour? I refuse to worry about what my journey will be like because tomorrow was never in my own hands but in His. . .I’ll just close my eyes and let Him lead the way. . .

“The hour before dawn is always the darkest. . .”

(To many, this quote may be negative but I see it otherwise. The chapter of darkness is coming to an end while the chapter of sunshine is just about to begin! ^_____^)

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging
But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing
There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing
That the past is the past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now

‘Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

Lay It Down – Jaci Velasquez

I come to where I am today, thinking that I’ve finally set foot on where I’ve always wanted to visit but at this moment, that one question that’s echoing in my head is, “Why am I here?” I don’t know why I’m here and I don’t know what I’m doing here. I used to know but not anymore now. . .Things that had always been right are all wrong now. I feel like a kid who has just discovered that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. . .

I’m one person who likes to drive knowing where I’m heading. Jump and know where I’m landing. It feels lost when all the things you used to hold onto suddenly turns into sand. The harder you try to grasp it, the more it will slip off through the gap between your fingers.

The short time spent here seems so long and the time left here seems even longer. It’s as if you’re stranded in the open sea. You keep swimming to stay afloat. You finally see land only after feeling as if you’ve swum half way round the world. Your refuge is in sight but still a distance away. Although you’re tired and suffocating, you know you’ve got to keep on swimming because the moment you stop, you’ll drown.

I’ve swum thus far hence, I will not give in because I didn’t swim so far only to see myself drowning. After all, why drown when refuge is in sight. . .?

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

“Have you really put it down and moved on?” is a question I’ve been wanting to ask myself lately. Seemed like I’ve moved on fine. . .but did I put it down? Or did I carry it with me? Moments may be temporary but memories last forever. It may be vague but I can never erase that picture out of my mind. When I see “it” again, the vague picture in my head becomes clearer, as if everytime “it” appears in front of my eyes, a paintbrush is picked up and colours are added onto the faded picture in my head, making it clearer and clearer at every stroke.

Thought I’ve let it go altogether but seeing “it” again, I realize that I still smile at “its” every appearance.  Unlike others where I’ll just browse and have a quick glance, this is different. This is something I’ll pause for a few moments and just stare. Sometimes, not brave enough to have a clear look at it. Sometimes, unconsciously looking deep at it. Other times, not even brave enough to have the intention to want to see it. Distance, I thought would be a big eraser that would erase it off my mind. How silly was I to even think that memories could be erased?

Does it hurt to reminisce? I don’t know. . .Are you happy that things never changed? I don’t know. . .Or is it because things never changed that all you can have now are memories? Perhaps.

Never had the courage to fight for it because I was more afraid to change the status quo by giving it a try than to not own it at all. Will remorse eventually sink in in the future, I wonder. . .

Pictures that I saw today, I was somehow happy to see them. Maybe because they brought back yesterday. I looked at “it” with mixed feelings, noticing how I would pause at some pictures and have a good look. I’d smile because there is no hint of regret whatsoever to once be fond of “it”. I still might be knowing myself, I’m not brave neither am I strong enough to go through all the storms of emotions again. . .Again and again, I’d rather lie to myself than to step up the plate because I know how much it hurts to know that you have “it” in your sight but not by your side.

Photos may remind me of “it” again in the days to come. Looking at it, my heart feels a pinch but a response towards it makes me thankful that my heart responds to it because “it’ once happened it my life.

By the way, what’s there to let go when it was never in my grasp in the first place? =)

“The tide recedes, but leaves behind bright seashells in the sand. The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers in the land. The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains… For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.”

]]> http://shanyya.wordpress.com/2010/07/20/todays-yesterday/feed/ 0 shanyya http://shanyya.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/jehovah-shalom/ http://shanyya.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/jehovah-shalom/#comments Thu, 20 May 2010 15:33:54 +0000 Shanyya http://shanyya.wordpress.com/?p=62 ]]> A name for God. A name that is so nice to my ears and soothing to my heart. . .

Jehovah refers to God

Shalom refers to peace

Hence.  . .

JEHOVAH SHALOM. . .the God of peace. . .

An ambition you had in mind since the day you are old enough to think of what you want to be can be altered by present circumstances which demands differently from what you’ve been preparing yourself for.  I walked down the path that I unconsciously but God-willingly fell upon with a once so certain destination in my head. Now, towards the end of this path, I realize that the destination has changed. As a matter of fact, I don’t see a clear port or runway which I would be landing on. All I see is fog and mist. So unsure of where I’m going to land at the end of this “travel.” But that didn’t stop me from going. I may be running out of “fuel” but I kept on going and will keep on going with the currency of Heaven, F.A.I.T.H. I don’t know what awaits me at the end of this path but I stand in faith that I will land safely into the promised land.

If I had a choice, I wouldn’t want to pursue this journey without a clear direction of where I’m heading towards. I dislike groping in the dark or to squint my eyes through the mist but who told you that you would have to use your sight at all times? There are times, in fact, all the time you would have to walk not by sight, but by faith. The “horizon” keeps changing. The port of destination or runway that I wish to land on may not be where my Heavenly Father intends me to land on, therefore it’s never constant because they were merely perceived destinations,.

While I was busy groping in the dark, He reached out His hand and assured me, “Look to me.” Everything else around me is not constant and it’s ever-changing but my Guide will never change. His love for me is constant. His will for me is constant. If I were to depend on myself, I may fall into confusion and get lost but if I were to cleave on Him and depend on His directions, I can rest assure that even without a GPS, a map or a compass, I’ll never get lost. For God’s will will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

I came across this verse in the Bible that very much speaks to me:

We consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen, for the things that are visible are temporary, but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.

- 2 Corinthians 4:18